Having a child is an amazingly rewarding and life enriching experience. We get to receive unconditional love and watch as our little people grow and develop into their own person. But we also know, that despite all the love in the world, it is an incredibly challenging experience at times. Children look to us for practical support to navigate the world; a safe and secure attachment; co-regulation; and, continual guidance. It’s a job that you never switch off from. Add into that mix, a child that requires additional care or who is going through difficult medical experiences over a long period of time, and this can be nothing less than exhausting.
‘Carer fatigue’ is defined as the state of being physically, emotionally or mentally exhausted from the act of caring for a loved one. This does not mean that you don’t want to care for them or provide support, but that being in that role is taking a detrimental toll on your health and well-being.
Sometimes, this can mean you are balancing your child’s needs and medical journey with other siblings or family members that also need your ongoing support. It might mean that you are also juggling paid work, appointments, hospital admissions, commutes, waiting times, and meetings; which are all part of your balancing act. As a care giver, it can be easy to lose sight of your own needs thereby overlooking that your own health and wellbeing is suffering.
This can present as:
· Feeling exhausted
· Feeling overwhelmed or worried all the time
· Becoming easily irritated or angry
· Losing interest in activities that you used to enjoy doing
· Physical symptoms such as headaches, body pains or sore muscles
· Using ‘prop ups’ like alcohol or prescription medication
· Feeling sad or depressed
· Not sleeping well or wanting to sleep all the time
· Losing or gaining weight
Over a short period, our body and mind tend to compensate for increased stress levels. We adapt to situations and once the stress period has finished, we are able to regulate again. However, over a long period of time, high levels of stress can seriously harm your health, both physically and mentally.
This does not mean that you are not a strong, resilient person! You are an absolute superhero managing all that you do! But sometimes, even superheros need to take a break. While it is cliché, the saying “you have to put your oxygen mask on before helping others”, is incredibly accurate. Remember that if you don’t take care of yourself, it is going to make it a lot more difficult to take care of your loved one.
While there is no specific guide to self-care, as it remains a very individual process, consider some of the following tips that may just help you recharge that battery and keep your own mask on.
Call on family and friends for help!
You know the people in your tribe that will be available for non-judgemental support. Reach out! Even if it is just for a coffee, a chat on the phone or a walk around the block. It’s amazing how good you can feel just by sharing the emotional load.
Accept the help
People may extend a helping hand to you when things are tough. Sometimes (even though we often think we can do it all) we need help. And that is ok! If someone offers to cook a meal, pick up the kids, pop to the supermarket or anything else... ACCEPT IT!
Join a support group
A support group can offer you a space and community that can provide validation and empathy. While some people may not be able to understand your experience, support groups are usually created by individuals who have similar experiences and feelings. A place to vent and problem solve might be the right fit.
Check in with your own expectations
It’s normal for us to feel guilty if we can’t live up to our own high expectations or standards. Remember that you are doing the best that you possibly can and that no one is ‘perfect’. Sometimes, ‘good enough’ is just that, good enough.
Be conscious of your own health
Take a minute during the day to think about what you have done for yourself? Did you manage to eat? Did you get enough sleep last night? Did you manage to finish your coffee while it was still hot? There will be days and times when all of these won’t happen and that’s okay. But being aware of it and consciously checking in, can help you to re-attune to your own body and needs.
Seek support from a professional
If you find that you are experiencing many of the ‘carer fatigue’ symptoms and are worried about how you are coping, please reach out to a medical professional. The GP is a good place to start and can refer you to specific professionals or groups that will work to support you.
There are times when you might feel alone and isolated in your experience. Please remember that most caregivers feel like this at one time or another and that reaching out is the first step to receiving the support and help that you not only need, but deserve.
Kate Strickland has a background in Occupational Therapy and Education and has been a Child Life Therapist working with infants, children and young people in the cardiac space for many years at the Royal Children’s Hospital. Seeing the gap in service provision pre and post hospital, she started the organisation Healing Hearts Beyond to provide a community-based Child Life Therapy service to support infants and children along with their families in managing the stresses associated with procedures, hospitalisations and medical trauma.
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